My unconscious planned my failure - and I’m happy about it.
I’m supposed to be running two workshops this weekend.
I’ve promoted them, put my flyers around, planned them, danced them up, intended them and magicked them. But still I only have one person signed up.
And actually, I couldn’t really give a fuck any more.
I had a huge breakdown the other day, uncovered so much of my unconscious patterning, and the reasons why no one had signed up.
It was SO VALUABLE.
I am SO GRATEFUL that I got the chance to see these beliefs for what they actually are, rather than continuing to have them control my life from behind the scenes.
I realised if nobody comes to my workshops then I’ve learned a $180 lesson.
I could have paid a professional and uncovered all the same shit about myself.
Instead I’ve paid the room hire costs and have experientially learned some huge pieces all by myself, which is the way I learn best. (3/5 projector profile)
To be honest I couldn’t really give a shit if anyone comes this weekend or not. In fact If its just gonna be one or two people I’d rather take the weekend and go out of town, relax and/or paint all weekend.
Pre-breakdown, I explained my situation to my friend. “Waaah, no one’s coming to my workshops, I’m a failure! etc etc etc”
She suggested I do some visualisation work on my "receiving funnel”
“It feels a bit crumpled” she said
“Yeah, its fucked.”
I rarely meditate, and am not someone who often visualises, I’ve stayed out of the astral realms for quite a few years and have stayed very much “here”. Partly from fear - residue left over from my psychedelics phase, and partly from disbelief that it’s actually real, not just hippie woo woo bullshit.
Disbelief that tangible, lasting change can be provided from that realm.
Well, I proved myself wrong.
I sank into the veil-lifting power of my menstruation, the deep and easy meditative state that we can fall into when we give time and space to our periods.
I intended to work with my receiving funnel.
Soon I felt myself drifting into meditation and found myself sitting at the bottom of a drain. It was dark and when I looked up I could see the faraway light from the plug hole.
The sides of the drain were filled with gunk and muck.
So I did what any rational human being would do to a blocked drain.
I poured drano down it!
I then found myself at the top of the drain, suspended like a window washer, scraping the shit off the sides. Every now and then I would get to a point where the gunk was so embedded that I had to employ a different strategy to get it off, like using a blade. At these points I would be transported into a memory - one of the deep conditioning points that has shaped my ability to receive over the years.
One of the gunk spots looked like a living, breathing barnacle, a growth that I had to coax off and had a huge bodily response to once it was removed.
Once I had made my way to the bottom of the drain, and all of the gunk and shit had been washed away, I felt an intense desire to lay down. So I curled up - both in my meditation and my physical body. I all of a sudden felt cradled, cared for. I realised I was a baby at my mothers breast. AND I WASNT DRINKING.
I know for a fact that I wouldn't eat when I was a baby.
My block to receiving goes back to my original imprint of nourishment.
I then went to work on my fresh and clear receiving funnel. I rolled open the top to create a larger entrance and surrounded it with fertile flowers, summoning bees with their hypnotic scent. I placed flowers at the bottom too, and watched as tendrils of energy were irresistibly pulled into my funnel.