Financial Security / Fear of Success
A few weeks ago I hit the bottom of my financial well. Triggered by working for $10 an hour at an apple farm in Cygnet, Tasmania, the first “job” I have had in many years, I cracked it.
“I won’t work for $10 an hour. I just won’t. It feels like a dis-service to myself”
Off I went after 2 hours work, in a pre-menstrual huff, to meet headlong a realisation that I have been ignoring for the past two years.
I’m . in . debt
It all hit me at once, realising that I am going to have to work to get myself out of debt. It’s not exactly a breeding ground for creativity. I would even go so far as to say it’s TOXIC to it.
My wallet broke the other day too, how synchronistic ;)
Flying by the seat of my pants (i.e. without savings) has been an easy way to fry my nervous system over the past few years.
I forgot what that was like until I stopped studying (i.e. stopped centrelink).
How I decided that going to Tasmania with $100 in the bank was a good idea is beyond me. I’ve been living this way for the best part of two years, for the first year living off my Namastef Cosmic Creations work, and ending up resenting it because I became a nonstop clay factory and only just got by. However I always DID get by.
So, after saying a gigantic NO to $10 an hour, saying YES to myself and YES to getting out of debt I ended up falling into picking grapes - earning triple that. How’s that for saying yes to self.
And it feels SO GOOD and so grounding to have a week’s pay put in my account.
I’m finally, sheepishly, taking the advice of Elizabeth Gilbert. I have been yelling and screaming NO at this advice since I read her book Big Magic.
Just work for someone else. For a while. Get out of debt, get some savings and then jump off into the unknown again. Allowing space to create because I love it, and not to force my creativity to make me money right now.
When I began Namastef Cosmic Creations it felt like a stepping stone because I knew I really wanted to paint, but I was too scared because I thought I was shit. I and I all but ditched Namastef to take up painting last year.
In hindsight I am SO glad I did Namastef first, because I ended up hating it.
I won’t let that happen again.
I’ll keep creating for the love of it.
I have been using Dane Tomas’s self clearing tool for over a year now and it has been most effective for removing myself from my own way.
A couple months ago I root cleared “success” and a few statements such as “I’m ok with being/not being successful”, I realised that I had attached ultimate tall poppy syndrome to “success” in the form of “If I’m successful people won’t like me!” (and I want to be liked more than I want to be successful)
After the clearing session I felt shaken and spaced out - something big had shifted - and within half an hour I had sold the painting I finished that morning, four times over. The original and 3 canvas prints.
An interesting slap in the face followed.
All but one of those buyers pulled out. The original sold but the others all fell through. It was made bleedingly obvious that I was not ok with receiving money for my work.
It’s also obvious to me now that not supporting myself financially means I am attracting people who cant pay.
I don’t buy into the “poor artist” or starving artist stereotypes any more, its hardly glamorous nor is it healthy to my nervous system. Neither do I buy into the "spiritually inclined folk must be poor” stereotype.
Its time to get financially free.
Its time to figure out how to work for someone else and keep my life force.
I keep saying to myself “when I am integrated I will blog, then I won’t make a fool of myself” and another voice says,
blog while you integrate. It will help you and it will help all those around you".
Shedding light on all things within myself and lighting the candles in others too.