My Fear of Stepping Up

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One of my main fears about stepping up and shining as my best self is not being liked. 

 

The jealousy monster. I am jealous of people who I want to be like, and if I don't own that then I project it onto them as dislike. 

 

As I'm stepping up I can feel my tall poppy head trying to duck down and pretend I'm just like everyone else, in fear someone's gonna come chop my head off for shining too brightly. 

I'm afraid of loosing friends. 

I'm afraid I won't be relatable 

I know these are all excuses but they are perfectly legitimate in my head. Maybe people won't like me - not only because they're jealous of me but for other reasons too, maybe I will loose friends, and maybe that's okay... maybe I won't be relatable ... I hope I am though.

 

Isn’t it hilarious that I would rather stay small than "cause discomfort to those around me”… its a great excuse but I’m not buying it. 

I notice I often tamp myself down "to make others feel comfortable." Laugh at people's non-funny jokes, smile at people so they know I'm approachable.... and on a larger scale that looks like ducking so I can't be seen, just so the people around me are comfortable. 

But really I'm doing myself a disservice. And I'm also projecting.

Maybe these imaginary "uncomfortable people" around me are actually quite happy with my success...

Maybe people would be okay if I didn't laugh in acceptance.. or approached them matter of factly instead of smiley-pleasey, 

or just freaken shone my best self unapologetically and beckoned them to do the same.

 

Time will tell.