The tricky little beast of Self Sabotage

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I’m sitting here in a brain fog, my fingers don’t want to begin typing this article. I cant even remember what it was about actually? 

Oh yeah.

Self Sabotage. 

 

The ultimate safety mechanism straight from my survival brain, it will do ANYTHING to stop me from succeeding. ANYTHING to stay under the level where complaining and struggle is no longer present. Because what will I have to hold on to then? If I succeed, everyones gonna hate me because I’m successful. (limiting belief #1) And I don’t want to be disliked (limiting belief #2) so, enter self sabotage.

 

I am going through a huge upgrade at the moment in my art / business. This month my art income is up 800% on last month. WHAT? And my self sabotage steps in flailing her arms and sceaming "NONONONONO it can’t happen. Then I can’t lean on anyone any more.” (limiting belief #3) 

I can tell myself that this 800% increase is because I’ve sold a very special painting this month and ran a workshop, and that it won’t happen again…. but then again I’m planning 4 workshops next month…..

And...

I’m currently doing a series of mandalss to get myself a new laptop. Setting this framework of 12 paintings on a similar theme has allowed me to make lots more work in a shorter space of time than I have previously. This fast pace works so well for me, and has spawned a whole lot of inspiration for another series which I feel really excited about. It feels like everything is beginning to move! 

 

Cue, the breaks. 

SCREEEECH.

Chronic pain in my wrist. 

To the point where I have to stop painting. I have to listen to my wrist speaking (screaming!) my self sabotage. 

Yes perhaps part of it is from bashing the POS system screen at my hospo day job, but it runs deeper than that. Somewhere in my subconscious there is a little creature with its claws around my wrist because if my wrist becomes free, then who fucking knows what might happen! Success? Freedom? ACTUALLY making an abundant living from my art? AAAH!!

Better to stay safe. (limiting-ish belief #4)

 

I’m not at the stage YET where leaving my job is feasible; I’ve lived solely off my art on a rocky foundation before and it was NOT FUN. Give it a year or two and a SOLID foundation and it may just be feasible.

 

So for now I am listening to my wrists, giving them the space to rest and gently coercing them forwards. "Yes, I hear you but I’m not going to let you run my life."

 

 

 

 

NB: This is not a callout for unsolicited advice, I am becoming quite proficient at moving through limiting beliefs with self clearing and have a wonderful tribe of like minded people around me to call upon when I need assistance.

I am simply sharing because I know many of my peers and people reading this are/have gone through stages like this and I want to spread REALNESS while rising into the fullest expression of myself, and be witnessed in the process.