This is the part of me that WANTS me to fail.

cc47205a017eb142273a774742fdd6a7.jpg

Stepping up is making me look at all the ways I hold myself back. All the horrible things I believe about myself that keep me stuck and "safe" away from my wildest dreams. 

 

I have been edging my way towards the idea of being able to create a stable and abundant income from no one but myself. Part of this involves running workshops.

To begin with I've been teaching things that are easy to me - mandala weaving and drawing - so that I can teach myself how to facilitate for other projects I am dreaming up. 

But when it gets to crunch point, 4 days away and still no one has signed up... all the beliefs come out from their hiding holes and taunt me. 

"I'm worthless” 

"No one wants to come to my workshops, and why would they?” 

"I'm a failure, and always will be” 

"No one likes me” 

"I'll never be accepted for who I am”

"I'll never make an abundant living from doing what I love”

"I'll never amount to anything"

 

It's really valuable because I get to see them clear as day where they normally run the show from the shadows where I can't see them. 

But. It's also really really hard. 

 

This is the part of me that WANTS me to fail. 

That predicts my workshops reaching no one and me being out of pocket the room hire costs. 

Just so it can blow raspberries at me and say "see, I told you so. You're a worthless failure and you'll never amount to anything, get back in your box and keep living a mundane life like everyone else. You're not good enough to actually succeed."

 

I’m having a BIG purge right now.

 

Unearthing, seeing and owning all the ugly shit, all the horrible things that I believe about myself, shining the light on them so they wither from exposure. 

 

I'm learning to trust that this is what's supposed to be happening. I'm supposed to be failing right now so I can confront my deepest wounds AND THEN be able to move forward with clarity.