Fear of Success
My notes folder is filling up, every time I get a download of a new blog to write, a new insight to share, I store it in there and forget about it till the next time inspiration strikes, and I’m reminded. (N.B. this post has been stored in there for two weeks before I am finally posting it now)
I haven’t been following through with them
Because my content is
"Not good enough"
"Not interesting enough"
"Not X enough"
"Not Y enough"
Compare, compare, constrain, conform, fuck it!!!
I am good enough.
What I have to say is valuable and will resonate with many.
The last few weeks I’ve been thinking about the fear of success.
It’s been showing up in my life big time
Everything I want is happening, and I’m shit scared. All my paradigms that keep me small are tumbling and crumbling around me and I am left there standing in the rubble, shining, glowing.
With no where to hide
No one to hide behind
No “But, but but."
Just me, my creations, my gallant heart leading the way into my deepest truth and highest dreams.
Having my art in the gallery at Rainbow Serpent felt like a huge initiation. Resistance came up at every turn, heightening as I got closer and closer, my fuel cap fucked up and held me up on the way there, so did my clutch.
I DONT WANT TO!! Says my head, my body contracting from fear of shining.
We’re doing this. Says my heart, calmly leading me into my dreams.
My friend was playing a set on the chill stage and invited me to come paint on stage. So I set up beside the stage at the front of the dance floor, too scared to go up, but SOMETHING had other plans.
It started to rain.
All of a sudden I’m painting on stage. Further initiation. Did I mention I’m currently painting a snake? A symbol of transformation, who "caught fire" while I was on stage! “Well, now i’m up here I’ll stay till they kick me off!” I stayed for 4 sets, the last one an amazing Israeli who goes by Suduaya, who had me dancing far more than painting.
My cloak of shyness had fallen off.
“It’s a tough day in the office when you can’t paint for dancing so much” Said my new friend Amar.
It was full of expansion. I felt so full afterwards, glowing with accomplishment. I did it. I passed my test, my self initiation ritual of Rainbow Serpent.
A few nights ago I was invited to exhibit and paint at Synergy, an intentional ecstatic dance event featuring Kaminanda. So me and the snake went along.
As soon as I put it on the easel I felt like it was finished. But I painted anyway, i kept feeling it, no don’t touch me, I’m done!! You’re fucking me up! Maybe it was actually me thinking that. Through my head running many things - “honour your mistake as a hidden intention” - Amanda Sage, and something about how when snakes shed their skin they don’t go get back in it, they continue forwards without a backward glance.
In the same style as Sick Brush, as soon as I “got” the lesson I could paint on it again in the direction of finishing it rather than around in circles.
I was hoping to take it to Earth Freq… its already impressive, wonderful, easy live painting piece and I don’t have to “do” much. Now thats out of the question, I am being asked to BEGIN a piece at the festival
But I will
Because I know it will be fine
Because my heart is telling me to
Nothing can go wrong.